My Faith Journey

Faith was introduced to me at a young age by my parents. We went to a little white Presbyterian church out in the country - which I still visit when I am home. It was sweet and comforting - a safe church. I really enjoyed Sunday school with the other kids. My dad was the person who really instilled what it meant to have faith in God. He had a Bible for dads and he would print out little devotions for my sister and I to read and answer questions to. I loved it. And my mom has always been such a wonderful example how to love and serve others. My parents are both very active and serving in that church today. The foundation of faith that my parents instilled in me as a young person was a huge part of my journey during all of the hard stuff, as I will further explain…

As I got older, I was very diverse in my interests. I showed horses, played sports, was on the homecoming court, but then also went hardcore punk rocker later on - haha - I had a lot of feelings. Anyway, later in high school, I visited a friend’s church several times that was quite opposite of what I was used to. The youth group pastor really focused on things like the end of times, demons, and shaming kids for sins…definitely more hellfire and brimstone in my experience. As a believer, obviously I believe in the spiritual realm, but I believe young kids should probably be learning MORE about God’s love and His good promises rather than such great focus on the consequences of where they are going to go if they don’t believe in God.

I am not going to go into great detail, but I will say that going to that church really messed up my belief system. I know that many other people my age who went to that church were also traumatized and some who completely lost their faith. I was definitely not ok after going there. It sent me into a bad spiral and I was having thoughts that no young teen should have to deal with alone. I tried to talk to some people from that church during the Bible study they had and they would just pray for me and tell me I was under demonic attack. I had someone over to my house from that church and they told me I had demons in my room. He would just tell me story after story about demons and the hell - it was then that I started having panic attacks at bed time and such a hard time sleeping. During the days I would struggle with dissociation because I was so stuck in fear mode. I knew other friends of mine who were going to that church were experiencing some of the same things mentally that I was - so that was my only comfort at that time. At that point, I was terrified of God and I was also terrified NOT to believe in God. I also felt like I had to keep going to that church… or else! And I didn’t want to talk to my parents about it because they had expressed concern and didn't want me going to that church in the first place. Eventually, I did stop going.

As I got into college - philosophy class and religious studies classes left me even more confused. There were several things that happened all around the same time in my life between 18-19 years old - religious trauma as well as being assaulted three times in a two year span, so I was struggling. With all of that put together, plus being away from my family at college, I got heavily into drinking to try to push it all down the hatchet. It was all too much to think about, being the overthinker that I was. So alcohol was the answer for the time.

I never stopped believing in God, but I had this idea that he was mean, that he didn’t care about me, and that I had to earn my way to heaven, which felt impossible. As I spoke of in a previous post about my sobriety journey, I got addicted to alcohol and pills between the ages of 20-25. When I quit the pills, I went through a mental breakdown, which was awful. I would try to find comfort in God, but I always felt shame or like I was being punished, so going to God and His word would send me into a trauma response. Therefore, I believed, but I kept my faith at a distance because when I tried to consistently go to church or read the Bible, too many confusing and scary thoughts came up. I would always think, “How can I find comfort in God if I feel like this when I go to him?” and “Why is he doing this to me?”

I felt stuck in a trap. But I eventually got on medicine and leveled out

I had some pretty good years mentally when my sister and I had our business, but when the business closed and I ended the toxic relationship I was in, I tried to get close to God and I just kept feeling resistance and had anxiety/panic attacks, especially when I went to church. At that time, I was then going through my “hippie era” and had become good friends with some people who were atheists. One of the guys and I would have debates about God vs not God. And we would listen to Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris debates. I was always avocating for God, but I was definitely struggling with doubt.

Around this time, I would also listen to Christian podcasts to try to gain hope from other peoples stories and testimonies - hope in God, hope that He was good, hope that I was going to be ok, because I was struggling so much mentally. It was then that I started getting nudges and signs from God to move to Nashville. So I decided that was what I was doing. I packed up my stuff over the next month and drove myself down to Nashville. I got an apartment in Franklin, TN and started working at Five Daughters Bakery.

Moving is when the healing began. I immediately got into therapy. Oh my gosh I hated going SO MUCH but I knew I had to. I was such a mess. We couldn’t even do EMDR because I would go right into PTSD. I had to be under a weighted blanket at each session and I could hardly talk and I was so depressed - I couldn't even name how I was feeling. I kept going to her even when I didn’t want to and eventually I started to get a little better, more able to function I guess. But I was still really struggling. I was reading Christian apologetics books, because I thought, if people way smarter than me are firm in their faith, then I can be too. So it’s never that I actually stopped believing in God, but the doubt was overwhelming and conflicting.

I then was recommended by a friend to go to a Christian counseling center called Rock House Center in Brentwood. The guy that had recommended it to me was a really smart guy who had grappled with faith himself and he said it was such a great program that changed his life. That is where I met my therapist then, Anjelica, who is now a friend of mine today. I went through a very in depth program for months with them where we unpacked EVERYTHING and we dove into all of my hard questions. I was very honest about every detail. Rock House really helped me to find firm faith in Jesus. I received so much freedom and peace from that program. That is when I really noticed the depression lift. When I left there, I did still drink, but I had really cut back.

Fast forward like two years and my drinking problem had come back to hit a new level after I had found my family member deceased - which I talked about in my sobriety blog. A lot of the same doubts and fears had come up again and I was so paranoid. If anything remotely reminded me of the scene where I found my deceased family member, PTSD would take over and I couldn’t think straight. When I was at my whits end mentally and with alcohol, I finally admitted to Jesus that I had a problem and I couldn’t quit it without Him. It was like I was finally fully falling on my knees and admitting that I know I am a sinner and I cannot do any part of this life without Jesus. I had prayed that prayer many times before, but it really took me coming to the end of myself to actually get it. That is when I truly received healing and freedom. The ability to quit drinking was not my own, it was His strength. Because I had tried everything on my own before and it didn't work.

I then got into a recovery program at Crosspoint church and I started working the steps. I didn’t realize how much of my life struggles were brought on by my traumas, behaviors, and sins (generational stuff too) - addiction, pride, control, selfish ambitions, etc. I really realized that I needed to invite Jesus into every part of my life and let Him take the wheel. This didn't just go for quitting drinking… it goes for my marriage, my relationships, my health, our finances, thought patterns, hopes, dreams, loving and helping others, everything - every day for the rest of my life. The real freedom came from my surrender and simply wholeheartedly admitting that I am sinner saved by grace who needs Jesus in every aspect of my life. Today I have peace, I don’t crave alcohol, I actually feel safe and comfort when reading the Bible, and I am free from panic attacks at church.

It’s been a journey that I truthfully wasn’t sure I would make it through at times, but I am so thankful to be where I am today. I am so thankful that my parent’s gave me the foundation of faith and portrayed a loving picture of God in my life when I was young, because if I didn’t have that, and I only encountered all of the other stuff, I am not sure I would have kept trying to return to faith. But thankfully Jesus kept fighting for me and drawing me towards Him. It is so sad how people, certain churches, and circumstances can really distort God’s true character and goodness. If we keep making the choice to seek Him, He will always reveal the truth.

I also used to care so much about what people thought of me, I was a lukewarm Christian that tried to be cool and relatable to everyone. My identity was skewed. I was a co-dependent people-pleaser, working myself to the bone for approval of others. But now I know my true identity is in Jesus and what His promises say about me - and because of that I am secure. And I am also more aware than ever of just HOW much I need him every single day. He will be lovingly refining me until the day I die. Thankfully, His promises are true for ALL of us. His saving grace is a gift that we only need to receive by faith, not to earn or strive for. I don’t share all of this about my journey because I want to talk about myself. I share this because I want to point to Jesus and what only He can do. I don’t know what it is that you’re going through, but I just want to say, if He can bring me out of the depths, He can do it for you.