Sobriety

I have had so many people meet me within the last few years and they have no idea that I ever lived a different lifestyle than the one I live now. Of course, it’s not easy to share this stuff, but if it gives hope to anyone at all, then this blog is serving it’s purpose. I also never want my instagram to just be a highlight reel. That’s unrealistic for all of us. People connect on the truth, on the struggles, on what’s real. So here’s a bit about my journey from addiction to sobriety…

My past, in particular my 20s, looks a lot different than it does now. When alcohol hit my brain in my later teens years, it was like I had finally found the answer to quieting the unrelenting anxiety and OCD intrusive thoughts that I had dealt with on and off for so long. At first, I was a weekend drinker as a teen, like most kids. But as I got into college I quickly became a daily binge drinker who also got into the “upper” side of pills later on when I was diagnosed ADHD.

The drinking habits I had led me to get a DUI at 19 where I spent all night in jail and then got another arrest for fighting at Mardi Gras shortly after. I was prone to starting trouble by picking bar and concert fights because I was so unbelievably angry with myself. I had so much anger, but under that was excruciating fear and shame. I hated what went on between my ears when I wasn’t intoxicated. And I had no idea how to get away from it. Anti-depressants had worked at some points, but when you drink on them…it can do quit the opposite as I learned.

So I continued on like this for years. I got to the point where I had overdosed on pills and alcohol several times, projectile vomiting everywhere and my legs would turn a purple color and were freezing cold because my heart was pumping so fast. During one of these lonely nights when I lived in Iowa, I pleaded with God that if he let me live to the next day, I would quit pills and cigarettes. And I did. That was in 2015.

After that, I learned how to turn my health around in terms of eating healthy, taking supplements, and exercising. I became much healthier in that regard, but the struggles I had with alcohol continued on. For 8 more years I tried everything I could to try to “control” my relationship with alcohol. I would take breaks, I would pick what days I was going to drink ahead of time, I would limit the number, I would measure the amount, but I could never stick to “my rules”. I even tried to quit several times and it would send me right into withdrawal and really bad mental breakdowns to the point where I asked my parents if I could go to a mental facility in 2021 - but my family decided to try to help me through the mental stuff instead. But I went back to drinking. I knew I had a problem. But I was afraid to admit it. I felt more strapped to alcohol than ever. I was afraid to try to quit again because of how bad I had gotten mentally when I had tried previously.

In 2022, about a week before my wedding, I was in Illinois preparing to leave for Vegas. Jake was at a show and I was with my family. One of our dear family members had been missing all day. I ended up being the one who found him and he had passed away (reason unknown). I loved him dearly and this rocked my family and I. I knew I had to quit drinking or this could look like my future as well. My family member had struggled on and off with alcohol/substances and mental issues his whole life. When he was sober, he was so good, but when he wasn’t, well… he wasn’t. And he had even told me a few times before that he knew I struggled like he did and that we were similar. That absolutely terrified me.

You would have thought I’d quit drinking immediately after the incident, but for the whole next year my drinking got worse. I got extremely depressed. I would have bouts of PTSD that derailed me. I was struggling with suicidal ideation at times, drinking only made me feel worse - it didn’t “work” anymore but I kept drinking anyway, and I was so paranoid. Jake had to hide the gun when he left town because I hated having it around and I was afraid I may do something. I would wake up in the middle of the night and just dwell on death. Death, hangovers, and alcohol were all I thought about.

But thank GOD there was still a tiny mustard seed of faith left in me. I was watching The Chosen one day… and when Jesus put down Mary’s drink for her, I lost it. I rewatched it over and over again. I knew I needed to let Jesus help me put the drink down - but I didn’t really know how. I thought I had prayed before…but this time I had to learn and really ADMIT I had a problem before I could ever get freedom from it.

So my prayer started as simple as, “God I have no idea how I am ever going to be free from alcohol, but I can’t do this on my own. Please help distance me from alcohol.” I prayed that for months. And slowly I kept wanting it less. I still drank, but it was less. And then one day in August of 2023, I leaned in fully to the little bit of hope I was gaining, and decided not to drink at all. I prayed every day for God to give me strength to not drink. I was terrified for the several months that I was going to have terrible withdrawals and a mental breakdown. But day by day I became more and more free from it.

About a year into sobriety I started going to AA meetings and got into recovery with a group at my church. I pretty much had to gain strength to even walk into a room, so it took awhile. At that point I was still afraid to admit I had problem out loud, but I did. And the more I did, the more peace I have had.

I have learned so much more about what it means to really admit my problems, sins, struggles, and to fully surrender my whole life to Jesus. The point is… I tried to manage alcohol, tried to quit alcohol for 8 years by myself, in my own strength… and I only grew worse. But when I truly looked inward and said, “I have a problem. I can’t do this on my own, Lord.” That is when He freed me. And this now applies to countless areas in my life…not just alcohol. I am constantly turning to Him for His help and His ways. And I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful for the stability I feel inside myself. I am grateful to know what true peace, freedom, and hope feels like.

Of course it’s hard for me to share this stuff. But what is also hard is watching and knowing how discouraged people get by only seeing the highlight reels on social media. It is devastating how much people are comparing themselves to others who look like they have a perfectly put together life on instagram. No matter who it is, I can promise you they don’t - haha. I believe humans were built for real connection. To lean on each other during hard times and share hope and encouragement when we can. So that is why I share.

I am exponentially better than I used to be, but of course there are things I still things I deal with on and off…like health anxiety. We all have past and current struggles, so we must remember we are not alone.

I hope this encourages someone today. Jesus loves us so much. He doesn’t want us living a life of bondage, shame, fear, and torment. He has healing, freedom, peace, and never ending love for us all. <3